like poison

Wow. Just wow.

The last time I posted something on this zombie space was in October. So much for reviving my blog. Feels like I am writing for myself to read.

Might as well bitch and rant to my heart's content then.

I've lost inspiration to write. What is there to write about when everything looks grey? When you're fighting depression, where the fuck do you dig up something cheery to write about? And posting about something bitter and sad is like shoving shit up the reader's nostrils.

Which is exactly what this post is about.

Ploughing through each day like a mechanical idiot, at the very least, I am still human enough to feel envy, jealousy and bitterness.

Its the holiday season. And I see so many couples canoodling like prize assholes - hands laced together, megawatt smiles plastered all over their faces, some sneaky butt-grabbing action going on... bla bla bla.

I just want to smash their faces together.

Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am one big jealous bitch. And yes, how pitiful of me to feel disgust over displays of love which should be celebrated.

Oh, if you revel in rubbing it in other people's faces of your being in love, please allow me to show you how much my fists love your face.

Haaaaa! That's it. I'm losing my marbles. Call me a doctor.

beauty imperfect

I am currently addicted to the Nip/Tuck series. Yes, yes. Its been around for ages and I’ve only got to watching it this week. Hey, better late than never, eh?

I have just finished season 1, and my favourite episode is Nanette Babcock. Why?

*Spoiler alert!*

This episode talks about Nanette Babcock; she is a very much overweight manic depressive. Her 10 year high school reunion is coming up, and she wants to go as a new person. Especially since she found out that the popular class president whom she still has a major crush on will be going post-divorce.

Long story cut short, the plastic surgeons declined her case as they feel that she has unrealistic expectations and require a different kind of help. It was discovered that she quit her lithium medication because it made her gain weight, and she is growing crazier by the minute.

In the part where the psychologist goes to her house, it was kinda creepy but touching in a way – she simply wants to be beautiful. The walls were stuck with posters of “perfect-bodied” models. Nanette has worked hard to achieve this, but she couldn’t do it alone. She needed plastic surgery for a dramatic change.

“All my life I’ve been rejected...you rejected me even when I was willing to pay!”

That’s raw emotion right there, and I truly admire the actress who played Nanette.

It got me thinking – who does not want to be perfect? True, we can never be perfect, but what does perfection mean? It is not physical beauty, and it is not simply about inner beauty. Then, what is? Is it a balance between outer and inner beauty? Is it even possible? How many of us look into the mirror and see a perfect balance?

I know I don’t see anything beautiful in the mirror.

I understand why Nanette pulled the trigger on herself. When even your last resort was refused you, how and where do you find the strength to hope again? And you know that you can never go back to what you were before. When the road ahead is cut off, there is no other way but the end.

Morbid? Yes. One-sided thinking? Yes.

This episode relays a really strong message – in my naive opinion, we really need to find the beauty in every imperfection. If not, the journey for perfection will only consume you and in the end, kill you.

Ah, but maybe some will see it as a beauty.

i call it creative writing

Last night, while going through my own blog and those of my friends, I was suddenly hit by the creative writing bug. I realised that my blog has been too stagnant and boring for too long. It was time to spice things up.

So out of nowhere, I began writing erotica. Hey, who said this blog was for the faint of heart?

I haven't written for so long, it was a struggle at first. But after awhile, it got pretty enjoyable. I will admit, what I've written is not perfect, but hopefully it gets you in the mood to do the sexay!

This is my first experiment with erotica. And frankly, I found that I quite like writing filthy shit. So read on, if you think you've got what it takes. And let me know what you think.

;)

WARNING: This post contains sexually explicit content. So if you are a prude, non-horny virgin and less than 18 years of age, you are highly advised to leave this page.

***

For days I’ve been imagining his body on top of me; that beautifully toned physique, hand pulling my hair, tongue playing on my breast whilst he pushes against me, taking pleasure in every moan.

And now here he is, right in front of me. I find my fingers tracing the outline of his jaw, moving slowly from his temple to his cheekbones, and finally stopping at his lips. I gasped when he took my fingers and started licking them gently. I could feel a tremor moving down my spine, and somewhere in between my thighs, there’s that all too familiar warm and tingly sensation.

Sensing my anticipation, he pushed me onto the bed and nudged my legs apart with his knee. As he bent down to kiss me, his fingers were already moving under my skirt. We kissed hungrily, our tongues savouring the taste of each other.

Just when I feel as if my body would explode with longing, he found that sweet spot and began circling it. Softly at first, and then with increasing pressure. I couldn’t stop moaning. It feels so damn good, I don’t want it to ever stop.

His other hand pushed my shirt up and removed my bra, exposing my breasts. The feel of his tongue against my nipple, biting and teasing, sent a shockwave of excitement through my body. This is making me crazy. If I have to wait any longer for his cock to enter me, I will go mad.

“Fuck me now.”

In an instance, his clothes were off. How he does it so quickly, I do not know. But the sight of his erect cock makes me even wetter and I spread my legs wide, inviting him to come to me.

He paused for a second, looked at me with that evil twinkle in his eyes and said “Wait.”

Wait?! I need him now, goddammit!

He lowers himself to kiss me once more, slipping his fingers inside of me. I feel myself spiralling into a fuzzy haze of pleasure, making me moan even more. Ohhhh, yea... Just right there.

Without warning, he slid into me and I let out gasp. Oh God, yea! I could feel every inch of him moving in and out, every thrust, and I was craving for more. Harder, deeper.

Our bodies move together in perfect rythmn. We kissed passionately as he rocked my body with his desire. I can feel my muscles tightening and my body shivering from pure ecstasy. I was about to orgasm.

My back arched and I moaned even more.

“I’m coming...”

He thrusted harder; I can see the satisfaction in his eyes. And he said to me “Yes, come for me. You’re my baby girl, Sarah.”

I stopped. What?!

“Who the hell is Sarah?!”

end of an era

Its been almost a year.

I still remember the interview, the assessment, the first day. Getting to know the people around you whilst in training. Digesting all the insane amount of information and thinking, "how on earth do people do this shit as if there's no pressure at all?"

I still remember how as days passed, cliques begin to form; how u always have lunches with certain people after flitting from a group to another, trying to find one that matches u best.

I still remember how we got separated into smaller groups for "hands on" practice, and then how once training was over, we got divided into teams, finally joining the sharks in the big bad world.

I remember how cold it used to be in winter, going back and forth from work was always such a pain because of the bitter chill. Oh, but the snow! The snow was lovely.

I remember all of these, and I doubt that I will ever forget. As much as I moan about working in the place, it made up the working part of my life in the UK. This was where I started. This was where I began building my life.

But as they say, all good things must come to an end. And today, was my last day at work.

I've kept it really quiet, and asked my manager to do so. But the cheeky bastard, along with the rest of the team bought me a huge tin of Millie's Cookies and a card.

I nearly cried. See, now there was a reason why I wanted to keep things low key.

But to be very honest, I really really appreciated it. They've managed to keep it low key, yet did a little something to mark the occasion.

And then word leaked out.

And by the end of work, everyone was giving me hugs with encouraging words.

Ah...

Today was the last time I did what I've done for the past year. And probably the last time I will ever see some of the people whom I've gotten to know well.

It is the end of an era.

This marks the closing of a chapter of my life really soon; one which I simply wish will never end. For in the few years of my life here in UK, I grew up, learned a few valuable lessons, discovered myself, and found peace with myself.

stay the fuck away from me

Fucking unbelievable.

I have a gazillion friend requests on Facebook. I admit, I don't go through all of them and don't bother checking who sends me a friend request, unless they notify me themselves.

But there is another reason why I don't accept friend requests.

Let's say I know you, and you sent me a friend request. If you don't hear from me within two weeks, know your place - I. Don't. Like. You and thus, will NOT have you as a friend on facebook. If you are smart enough, you'd probably get the hint.

But if you are not smart enough, here's a classic example of what people like these do.

Ms W whom I know from high school decides to send a friend request to me a couple years back on facebook. Note: I did not use the term "friend".

Ignored her bloody request, and she sends another. Ignored that, and she starts sending more. Ignore, ignore, ignore! And then, holy shite. She sends me a facebook message saying "Heya! Its me, Ms X! Don't you remember me? I've waited so long for your friend request!"

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Ignore.

And today, the mother of all bombs - she sent me a message.

Are you in the UK still? I'm in UK too! Would be great to meet up with you! (Message has been paraphrased)

And as soon as she saw that I am on facebook, guess what? Yes, she fucking sent another fucking friend request.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY CAN'T YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME?????? LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE!

Just because you know me, I know you - it does not mean that I consider you as a friend. I don't fucking like you. You try too hard to be popular and you are one big fat fucking leech.

Fuck you.

I will keep ignoring you on facebook.

There is a reason why I never keep in touch with you, or even meet up with you the last time I went home. Because I simply don't like you. Don't you fucking dare think you are in the same league as I. You don't fucking belong.

my wtf life

I am bored. Because it is a Saturday. And I have no life.

Urgh! Sadness max!

I love the weekend, but when it actually arrives, I am bored. I oversleep and overeat.

On weekdays, I am only thinking of the weekend. Every weekday night, I think only about what's my dinner for tomorrow night. How very exciting.

Every Monday, I go "I wish it is Saturday already."

And every Saturday, I go "I'm bored."

"Wtf!?"

i got called a cheeky bitch at work

...by my manager. Because I called him fat.

Why? Well, he isn't fat but put it this way, he is chubby. And probably the worst manager I have ever encountered yet in my working life.

If you think this post is dedicated to my manager, think again. I'm off work and I don't want to write anymore bullshit. That's right, I get paid to write bullshit for a global media company. In other words, I am a professional bullshitter.

You know what, I need me more inspiration to continue with my blog. Ever since I've started working, its as if Life had flushed itself down the toilet. Yes, dear readers, I have no life.

FML!

And since I am currently using a dongle until my housemate gets an internet account set up, I have to be very careful when using my internet. It can actually make you sleep on the streets - it eats up money faster than you can say "I have a lingerie addiction and buy La Senza all the time, but at the moment, I am obsessed about Intimissimi".

So... for all of you out there who do not know what a dongle is, unfortunately, I can't show you any images. Because to look it up, save it and then upload it here would take up more megabytes than I am willing to let go off. Yes, I am desperately clinging to it for dear smooth-bowel-movement life with this mansion of an internet I have.

A dongle is not what you think it is... it is not exactly a dongle. Now, don't pretend you don't imagine a big fat dick in your head.

It is mobile broadband in the form of a USB stick. It provides me with internet, an extremely satisfying experience everytime I use it (and I do use it every night at least once, for fuck's sake). And I have been without this necessacity for 12 million light years. Gawd, how am I still alive?

Guess what, if you have read what I've typed up to this point - congratulations. You've just saturated your brain with utter bullshit of my lifeless life.

Awesome. Now run off and get me some nasi lemak.

this will be the last emo post, i promise

Hopefully. There aren't any guarantees in the world, is there?

Looking at my past posts, I've gotten so emo! I resolved to be more cheerful but somehow, tonight, I find it hard. I don't expect anyone to understand. So long I know what I'm feeling, that's all that matters to me.

Today is Valentine's Day. Last year, I couldn't spend it with my beloved because I was home in Msia and he was here in UK. This year, I didn't go home. Made sure to stay back, to celebrate days with him. But we had to have a major misunderstanding at the worst times.

Now, on Valentine's Day, I had dinner with some friends. The air is thick with love, of couples being affectionate with each other. I tried my best not to look. I tell everyone that I've accepted this curse, that I can never be with my beloved on Valentine's. Yea, laugh. "Awww, you poor thing!" But you don't know how it hurts inside. How lonely it feels to have a beloved, but at the same time, not to have one.

I am ok. Just a little sad. Why are we wasting precious time still holding on to this 'break' when time is trickling away swiftly? I am not sure that I am even able to extend my visa and have only a few months left Why must there be a Valentine's Day? It is so cruel to those single people, wishing for a partner; cruel to those who have just lost a loved one, cruel to those who had freshly broken up, cruel to those in long distance. Love should be a daily celebration. Why have this day to rub salt into injury?

I can't stand the smug look of those in a relationship and owning the day. Perhaps I am a little bitter and a little sad. Because, I am still waiting for a dream to come true, while others are celebrating theirs.

Dear God, why?

4th January 2011. Just received news that my dog is dying, suffering badly from cancer, blood all over, rotten flesh, barely able to move and eat, and she will be put to sleep to end her misery.

Dear God, WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????!!!!!!!!!


I don't know how much longer I can take this shit.

as i dance with the devil tonight...

2010 has come and gone. And every new year, or at least, the end of it, it has never failed to bring me heartache. I'm beginning to fear New Year celebrations. Is there such a thing as a new beginning?

31st December 2010. I got my heart broken 2 minutes before the clock struck midnight.

2nd January 2011. I received heart wrenching news.

3rd January 2011. I am struggling to live normally and put a smile on my face.

In my mind, I imagined that someone psycho is going to kill me. Funnily, I wasn't scared. I just laid on the ground and started laughing. And I prayed to God to forgive me. And I prayed for my brother to grow up and take care of my parents. And I closed my eyes. Then the whole thing ended. Funny, huh? I couldn't even imagine the ending to this story. Will the killer pause, and start crying with me? Or will I flame his anger, and he stabs me repeatedly?