if only you could read this and turn over

Dear You,

I've been there with you through thick and thin, defended you and helped you learn from your mistakes while covering up your dirty little tracks. I have loved you so much; so, so much that you cannot imagine how much it pains me to hear what shit you have put through to not only yourself but the people who care for you the most.

Never in my life did I imagine that you can turn out to be so absurdly selfish, so bastardly in your ways to bite the hand that feeds you again and again. And to be so cruel in implementing your selfishness.

You turn a blind eye towards the suffering we put ourselves through to give you the best - I have to ask, was it intentional? How can you be so ignorant for years? If only I could slap you and make you come to your senses, and if only a slap would work on you.

Because of you, we cannot help but point the fingers to ourselves. Were we the ones who created this monster? Did we make you like this? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on us. Are you happy now?

twisted observation

One day, I decided to take a back seat and observe as the world moves around me. As expected, no one noticed that I was the only one sitting still. The rest are in motion, too busy to notice, too engrossed to care.

It made me think, do people only care when they have the time for it? Interesting isn't it? Admit it, we have all been guilty of forgetting to care on plenty of occasions. Its not that we don't care, we just don't have the time for it. Because we need to care more for our needs before we can afford to care for something else.

Ah, the selfish human nature. Even the most loyal and giving of human beings are selfish. Who cares what has the world come to? The world hasn't come to anything. As usual, everyone puts their needs first and people act "shocked" at how cold society has become. Oh come on. Stop being hypocrites. Ultimately, it is yourself who have to help you. And in the process of helping yourself, you unintentionally neglect the rest. And the neglected somehow pass by without seeing you; they are neglecting you as well.

Interesting. We only see ourselves until we choose to make time for something or someone else.

Hmmm... now, do you think I am twisted? ;)

got me thinking

Guess the lyrics:

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright cos I love the way it hurts~~~"

Even a monkey can tell that its the song from Eminem ft Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie. You must be dumber than a monkey to not know this.

Anyhoo, I love Eminem. His lyrics can be really meaningful for most times. And this song including the video tells of an abusive relationship. I like how it is from the viewpoint of the people who are stuck in such a relationship, instead of outsiders witnessing the abuse. Because, outsiders can never fully understand how it is like, unless if they themselves used to be abused.

The other day, Honey M asked me, would you leave the person that you love despite knowing that you are being abused?

*Slap!* Nyahahhahahah! (K la, k la, not funny)

Sorry. I digressed with the above picure. But back to the topic, it was a difficult question to answer. The logical (and supposedly quick) response would be "Yes". But what if he abuses you, and after that become very sweet and seemingly remorseful? Because you love him so much, you are willing to give him chance after chance after chance. You take the abuse, because you would rather stay with him than imagine being with someone else who could treat you better and you'd give excuses like, but he is really sweet to me afterwards.

OK, something more serious

You are willing to live that way because there is always the sweet in bittersweet. The saying 'you must first learn to love yourself before others can love you' seem to play little significance. Its not that you don't love yourself, but you love him more than yourself. In the end, you get used to it and find pleasure in pain. After a while, it is what keeps you going. The thought of a smooth life becomes bleak.

It really is tough to leave, even though the other partner is aware that he/she is being abused. The love in such a relationship is so intense that you cannot deny that there is no love; its just in a sick and twisted way.

Btw, this is just my naive and sick and twisted opinion and this in no way generalizes all abused partners in a relationship. Hate it, love it, whatever. Its my blog.

i have no life

My life has flown out of the window. Nothing inpires me anymore, I am neither happy nor sad. Hence, I can never revive my blog back to how it used to be. That is, until I get my life back. But 'til then, I'll be stuck with this dead thing of a blog.

Making myself happy everyday is a struggle, but hey, at least I made the effort right? So, generous me has decided to share my effort with all you nature-lovin' peeps out there. Don't worry, this isn't about environmental love. Its love for beautiful bodies. Oh yeaaa...

Feast ur eyes on the Armani ads featuring Megan Fox and Christiano Ronaldo. (Ready ur drool buckets yo!)

Hope I made y'all horny cos I sure did it to myself. FML.

its killing me but i love it!

Shoes. In particular, heels. That's the mass murderer of women's feet since time immemorial. If you've watched the first Sex in The City, you would definitely recognise Carrie Bradshaw's infamous quote which goes something like this: "These heels are killing me! But I love it!"

Yeaaa...

Got a test in London last week which hopefully, would lead to an interview but so far, no news from them yet. So, screw the crossed fingers! Not hoping for anything anymore; on to the next application! But anyway, this 'trip' to London was perfect excuse for me to get a new pair of heels! I mean, I really needed it. Despite my shoe collection (why are shoes so expensive here?!), I do not have a pair of proper black, closed-toe heels for work/interviews/formal attire. I noticed I have more party stilletoes and summer slippers than anything remotely useful for formal wear or even the cold climate in this country.

I'm not a bimbo.

So, I bought myself this pair.

Pweeeettttyyyy, right? But u guessed it, really uncomfortable. Not particularly running-around-in-London material. And since I was literally in them the whole day, my feet is still having blisters 'til today. No joke! Walking around in them slowly is killing me already but you know how fast people move in Underground. Fuck, its like they levitate-fly from one line to another. So, I also have to levitate-fly or be cursed the entire day. FML.

But. I. Don't. Care. Because. I. Look. Chio.

And I shall wear them again.

anger management

It has always been said, that you never know the true colors of some people until you live with them.

Since leaving home, I've lived with many people in a house, an apartment, in student halls. Yep. Its interesting because you get to meet many different types of people and widen your eyes to the types of human beings or human trash that walk the earth.

If you live with human beings, then all is good. But when you live with human trash, despite practicing patience, life simply sucks more than it normally does. I personally experienced the break-up of a friendship and man, I have to say, I have very impressive anger management right now.

So if you need some classes on how to manage your anger or you know someone who needs it, no need to pay for professionals la. Just come talk to me. I am professional and I come at no extra cost. But I won't say No to some ex-gratia payments. ;D

Sharing is caring ok.

macarons walalala~

I looooove macarons! I never knew that it was considered to be a posh food for tea time. Trust the English to make tea a posh affair. That little itsy-bitsy thing can cost a pound each... My gawd. What's the point of stuffing yourself with ten pounds worth of macarons and still feel hungry? But then again, that's posh ppl for you. Too much money to spend, so lets use it up by eating teeny-weeny food.

That said, I still love macarons and think that its such a shame to have it categorized as posh food. Because un-posh ppl like me can only eat it once in a blue, blue moon when lady luck decides to let me stuff something posh inside my middle class mouth. Waaaa...

Tah-dah!!!

Yep, I got lucky. Because Honey M's dad came to the UK for a trip and yesterday, they decided to have English tea at this place called Fortnum & Mason. Apparently, its a well-known place to have tea and you must book in advance just to eat there. Wah sai. Everything is expensive and the price per head is about 25 pounds. JOKE!

But I guess, its a once in awhile thing (except for those snotty millionares). And it is sooo delish! It was so sweet of them to tapao for me a box of macarons (all for meeeee *shiny eyes*) and also, some cakes and scones. Yumminess!

Sheer orgasm (I know, I had to take a pink one and put it against a pink backdrop =.=)

Yay! And here's what us normal ppl usually eat:

Soup in a condom. LOL

Nah, I just forgot to poke some holes into the cling film before microwaving it. LOL. As a consequence: dinner that doesn't look right.

confessions

Its the end of summer, the weather is getting colder, the daylights shorter. But despite all that, love is still in the air. Spring isn't the only season for love. Or is it?

Confessions of a Scared Girl

We met on the first day of 8th grade. We became close friends really quickly. You concocted tall tales and lied to me all the time, but my being a gullible moron made me believe everything you said. You told me you were lonely, abused, broken. I felt sorry for you. I knew loneliness, and I didn't want you to be that way. I did everything I could to help you. Somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for you. You knew that. You said you loved me. I cried because I was so happy. We got together. We were on and off for a year. You abused me mentally. You raped me twice. I was scared of you. You threatened to kill me if I pissed you off. You threatened to kill my parents. I broke it off. You blackmailed me with those nude pictures you forced me to take for you. You stalked me for 3 years. During those 3 years, you went in and out of jail for gang affiliations. You spread rumors about me. You got your gang buddies to keep tabs on me. No one around me would believe that you are a monster. After all, on the outside you’re charming. Funny. Talkative. Charismatic. That’s how you lured me in at the beginning.

All those years, I isolated myself. People were whispering things about me left and right. If they were false rumors, I wouldn't care, but the things you spread about me were true. I did take nude photos of myself. You did screw me in the school bathroom. I did stand there naked while you did whatever you wanted to me. But you were fingering a switchblade in one hand.

I’m going to college in the fall. I thought I could finally leave you and all your bullshit behind and start a new life, but my friend told me that you got into the same college. I wanted to die. Is death the only way to escape you?

Confession of a Model

It's hard to believe that I am beautiful, even when everyone tells me that I am. People are always complimenting me, but the one person that I want to hear from died a year ago. I want to feel beautiful, loved, admired again but no matter how many photoshoots I model for, no matter how many times I appear in editorials and features, I still feel incomplete without you. I miss you so much.

Confession of a Rebound Girlfriend

You came to me with a broken heart, hoping that I would soothe your hurt feelings. It's been six months and you can finally smile and laugh as easily as I once knew my good friend could. I worked hard for your happiness, and that worked paid off well, but at a price. Now, my own heart is breaking. I've fallen for you even more and I feel dejected at the fact that you just needed someone. So tell me, now that I've mended your broken heart, will you do what it takes to mend mine?

Confessions of The Best Man

When I introduced you to your husband, I had said to him, "She's so amazing... you'll see." And he did. And from that day on, all you saw was him. I was his best friend since eighth grade, and I became yours that first semester of college. I was the in-between, the go-to man about all things concerning you, and him. I helped you plan surprise parties, and I told him all your favorite places around town, the cities you always wanted to visit.

He had no idea that when I was so excited to introduce you to him it was because I had believed that I had finally found the one I was going to marry. No, he didn't realize and soon after graduation, you became the one he married. And I was his best man.

I know that he was the only one you saw as you walked down the aisle, but if you only looked to the right a little, and saw me, you would have seen all the years I've spent loving you, wishing that you were coming to me instead. But I was always just the best friend, the best men--and never your man.

Years of holding on are keeping me from letting you go, but I know that he will be good to you and treat you as you should be treated. And I will always be here if you need me.

Heart-wrenching confessions. Sometimes, when you think you have it bad, relationship-wise, you read stuff like this and it makes you realise, these people have it worse. All over the world, people fall in love, people fall out of love. It is always so easy to fall in love, but the same cannot be said for the end of a relationship. I used to treat relationships as a game. I learnt my lesson. It is far from a game. It is probably the hardest thing in the world.

But, a heart without feelings is a machine.

(Confessions copied and pasted from Datingish.com)

:)

butter me up

Sometimes, the people here come up with the lamest names for their butter. I literally laughed my arse off when I saw the brand of my own butter in my fridge the other day.

I knowwww, right?

LOLOLOL! Here's some other dumb names.

I cant believe it's not Butter! and You'd butter believe it!

Utterly Butterly

AHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Best of all is this one...

This is the bomb! ROFL!!!

Woe is the son whose name was inspired by butter.

Nyahahahhaha! Before I end, here's a little something to make your day. :)

Yea...

i need a punching bag

Arrrgggghhhh!

I need to rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant!

I hate the UK economy right now! I hate long distance! I hate being jobless and broke! I hate not having my own place! I hate stupid chavs who say I am too skinny! Just because you like girls with a ghetto bubble ass, don't call my arse skinny! I hate having an imperfect complexion! I haaatttteeeee PMS-ing!

Fuh~ Ok, end of rant.

wtf... i want to look like that too!

OMGWTFBBQORANGUTAN!!! To all the girls out there, you MUST watch this!

Waaaa, I tell you all hor, what I wouldn't give to look like Qiang Qiang! I seriously admire her make up skills. I imagine it must take her 2 hours to put on her face, and a lot of money cos the amount of make up she uses per day. My gawd. But what the heck, who cares so long as you walk out the door looking like this everyday and u get guys dumping cash on you. My only issue with the make up is that I would prefer her to use slightly more natural lashes. Other than that, purr-fect!

To be honest, Qiang Qiang is naturally cute being bare faced. The commentators were quite harsh in saying she's ugly without any make up on. But one thing they said in particular was quite true, I felt - "Its not even make up, its a disguise". Yea, well. If any boys are reading this, look closely at your girlfriends; what does her real face look like? What hideous monster is hiding underneath those layers of slap? *gasp*

Nonetheless, her transformation does inspire me somewhat to wear more make up. Nyahahahaha... bimbotic, I know. You can't sue me for loving the fake look. *sticks tongue out*

Make up time! :D :D :D

zen-ness

Haiiihhhh....

Looks like my anger can't last long. I'm becoming more zen than I thought. Neways, I've calmed down and will deal with things in this state of mind. Better than acting out in irrationality right?

Okies, ciaoz to all non-existent peeps out there! Til the next blog! (I need my cameraaaaa! T_T)

never underestimate the power of boobs

They're soft, they jiggle, they're a sight to behold (especially when they're jiggling) and they nourish. They're  soft landing to break a fall. Unless if yours are made of bouncy silicones, you don't even touch the ground - you merely bounce back up to standing position. In a superficial world, they give power to the women over men, except gay men of course.

Boobs. Powerful cushions since the beginning of mankind. And yes, obviously, this post is basically about typical dumb superficiality but since my camera is without its cable and power charger, boobs it is. You can either read on, or click elsewhere.

Mmmmmm~ Cleavage. Women themselves want bigger boobs for that killer cleavage. Not because they want male attention... Nah, who am I kidding? Its always a good thing to get shitloads of attention from the opposite sex.

...

I digress. Women want bigger boobs because it makes us feel more feminine. We are vain creatures that want to look good. Wearing a dress with not enough to fill the top part of the dress is equivalent to wearing a genuine mink coat. Its a crime. If you want to wear a sexy body-hugging dress, make sure you have the boobs for it. We want an hourglass figure; big boobs, tiny waist and a nice pert bum like Kylie Minogue.

You know what, I don't even know what bullshit I'm typing here anymore. Erm, ta-ta...

public display of horniness

After the previous emo post, its now time for a bitchy one. Oho! How long have I not bitched? Aaaaaggeessss...

Public Display of Affection (PDA)... oh darling, u are sooo yesterday. Welcome to the era of Public Display of Horniness (PDH)! PDH is the new black! Yay.

*cue eye rolls*

For you bodoh sial ppl out there, let me give you some visual aid on the difference between the two:

PDA

PDH (usually involves some body part grabs ie. boobs or butt)

Aihhh. Why is it so hard to find a proper picture of PDH. But well, u get my point. It oozes horniness. As if they're doing a massive favour to the universe for not fucking there and then. And guess what? This is what I have to live with almost every single day. Whoopdeedoo!

Being a couple, I understand that you guys want to be loving to each other 24/7. I understand that you can't help showing some PDA cos hey, you love ur partner. Good for you. A little stolen kiss every now and then, some hugging while watching the tv. Whatever PDA - fine by me. To be fair, I am guilty of PDA too every now and then.

But when I see some thigh rubbing, almost-butt grabbing action and throw in some heavy duty kissing, whooaaaaa! Hello~~~ I am still in the room! Don't fucking ignore me! I may be okay with you being super cheesy to each other, but to the point that you are showing intense horniness as if I suddenly disappeared? Oh please. Go to your room, the kitchen, the backyard, whatever. Spare me your PDH and just let me watch tv in peace. I don't need to have lip smacking noises or murmurs of sweet nothings punctuating movie scripts every 5 seconds. You are horny. I get it. I am still in the room. You don't fucking get it.

Wtf. The worst is when the movie goes on after a commercial break. You know how they always have that silent few seconds clip to inform you of that the moving will come on soon - and all I hear is LOUD kisses. Yes, I know it - u guys are kissing. Pls tell me something I don't know, like when are u guys going to stop? Spare me and just go fuck since you are so obvious about it. Don't freaking stay in the lounge just cos I am there and it 'seems rude to leave early'. I am not a fucking 2 year old. I know how to operate a remote control.

Seriously, this lightbulb is very annoyed. Urgh.

as it goes...

Everyone is busy these days. With my friends, I've noticed that they've announced a blogging hiatus until the end of July in preparation for CLP. That's the Malaysian Bar exams in case no one knows.

My other ji-muis are busy living their lives too. And I'm pretty sure that everyone is having their own troubles.

So who can I talk to? I used to think I could either talk to the wall or talk to myself. But to actually do that would seem a little mental. So right now, before I actually break down, I think its best that I put it out in words as best as I can. No, I don't need sympathies. I definitely appreciate a shoulder to cry on, but that also, is wishful thinking.

For the past week at least, I've been highly stressed. I've been juggling finding another place to live and looking for a proper job. It sounds easy but u won't believe how much of a headache it can cause. My current tenancy ends at the end of the month. While my fren Honey M has kindly offered to help out (letting me bunk with her until I find my own place, so that gives me more time to look for a decent place), I still feel bad for being a burden. I feel like a leech. But I have to admit that I needed that help. And then the job, I am under enormous pressure to find a proper paying job. Because job = money. And that too, is another factor of my stress. I need to make my remaining money last as long as I can. If not, I will have to return to Malaysia. No offense, but I just don't want to go home as much as I love home and the people there. Don't ask me why; I can't explain it myself.

Then my bf's birthday is coming soon. I have everything planned out perfectly. But then, he got a conditional job offer in London; if he passes, they are going to offer him a contract. And obviously, he would have to move to London early July. I am so happy for him for having things run so smoothly. But if he's London, I won't be able to spend time with him cos he will be bunking with his fren. Then when can I spend his birthday with him? Surely his frens will organise something and want to celebrate with him. And I will be stuck in Reading trying to get my life sorted out.

And today, my bf got upset with me because my cousin's fren W has been constantly calling out. It doesn't help that W is always calling me at ridiculous hours - between 1-3am - and now that he's coming to work in Reading, he's been looking for me more often. As social courtesy to my cousin, I feel obliged to meet up with him. But he's coming to Reading quite often as of late and keeps calling me out. To be honest, I do find it tiresome. And my bf has gotten angry at me for agreeing to have a Starbucks session with W this afternoon. I mean, social courtesy does have its limits. So I cancelled it. But of cos, it doesn't make him less angry at me right?

And I have to try my best and put up a happy facade for the day cos its Honey M's boyfriend's birthday. She organised everything and needs my help. She looks so happy with him that I don't want to be a wet blanket. I feel horrible but I want to at least, look convincingly excited for the birthday party. So again, I have to put a mask over my face.

Everything has added up together. I feel so close to breaking point, I don't know what to do but to act according to what must be done. The whole world has no need to see my dirty laundry. And I don't want anyone's sympathy. I just need things to fall into its rightful place.

It seems as if my life has hit rock bottom. But as the saying goes, once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. For now, I'm holding on to that for dear life. Because that's the only thing I can do. Snapping is just a mere inch away. So let me hold on to something reasonable.

summer in uk - hahahahahaha! riiiggghhhttt...

Its finally summer in UK. The temperature actually hit 26 degrees last week. This week? Oh, not bad. 13 degrees.

Dear UK weather,

Ur such a bitch. I understand that in autumn and especially winter, u feel obligated to drop the temperatures to negative; just so u can have a laugh at us, mere mortals, who try not be frozen statues on the streets. U've had 6 months of cold cruelty. Hey, ur a bit more generous with spring by rising the temperatures a bit, I do appreciate it. However, now is summer. Its just 3 months of warmth and sun. Its not going to kill u to be hot and warm for such a short period of time. Can u please stop being such a bitch? U bitch.

Sincerely,

Not A Bitch.

On a different note, I finally bought myself a new bikini! Yay! Shame about my other bikini though cos I've only wore it once and I can no longer fit into it. *tears* I gots my new bikini from Topshop for a bargain - the cashier gave me a student discount! Woaahhh. I must be wearing my lucky panties that day.

As if I'm going to show it to u before wearing it first

The thing about losing weight is that, u don't have to worry about looking fat when taking pictures. Do you know that pictures add about 10 pounds? O_O But the sad thing is, I've lost my curves. *more tears* I am almost back to my prebuscent body. Like, wtf! I'm supposed to look womanly and feminine. Never in my life did I imagine I will have a size 6 butt. Yes, size 6! Omgwtfbbqorangutan! Its tiiiinnnnnyyyyy!!!!! And cleavage? Ah, those were back in the days. Been trying to gain weight to coax curves back into my life. But wtf, the more I ate, the more I go to the toilet. Wa-hey... to think that constipation used to be my best friend.

Thank goodness I'm still able to find a bikini that fits in UK. Surprise, surprise. The only thing to do now is wait for Mr Sun to appear. Just show up, u goddamn sun!

"this love is taboo"

I came across this blog which ponders the reason why people hate homosexuality so much. I remember having similar conversations with my friends before and one of them was very religious. The other was in full support of homosexuality. It was a really intense discussion because it went really deep and it was almost to the point where it could've been a full blown argument.

Personally, I found 2 odd things with regard to homosexuality. Homosexuality is recognised in most nations, particularly in developed countries. Legislations are passed to allow civil partnerships for homosexuals. Despite that, a good number of people actually hate homosexuals and thinks that its wrong. The second is, do you notice that people are more accepting towards lesbians as compared to gays?

sexy

sexy?

Personally, I find nothing wrong with being gay, having a gay relationship or even a gay marriage. You cannot help who you love and I don't find it wrong to want to be with the person you love for the rest of ur life even though they may be the same gender. We are all humans and we are biologically programmed to love. Its not their fault that they fell in love with someone of the same sex. Why should they be discriminated for loving someone or being in love?

But here's my fren's opinion. Lets name her Miss Diva. She has nothing against homosexuality but she strongly disapproves of it. She thinks that it is absolutely wrong for 2 girls or 2 guys to get together. Being a strong Christian, she obviously believes that it is against the Bible. It is a sin. Man and woman are created to be together - like 2 pieces of the puzzle that's a natural fit. Homosexuals are simply not natural or created in that way. Its like putting 2 same puzzles and trying to make it fit, but of course, 2 same puzzles can never fit properly to create a picture. So the people who claim that they are homosexuals are sick in their minds. They have a wrong and twisted mentality, most likely influenced by their surroundings or suffered a traumatic past with the opposite sex that they resort to homosexuality.

Honey M then disagrees, with mostly the same reasons as me. Every single person out there has a free will on how they want to live their lives, and for this case, chose to live with. They shouldn't be judged for what they chose. Its not like its such a crime, ie. murder, theft etc. If people were to be so strictly judged all the time, then shouldn't inter-racial marriages be wrong as well, for example? Cos then the both of you aren't exactly a perfect fit of 2 puzzles in terms of color. Its so silly to think that way; in fact, its quite prehistoric thinking. Times change, people change, society changes. The Bible or any religion for that matter is merely a moral guideline to help people live in harmony together, be good people. But when it comes to love, its harsh to condemn a gay couple for loving each other.

Ok, well... it could be funny! LOL

But then, Miss Diva did make a good point. She said she understood that time changes. But there are still some things which should be kept the same regardless. If something as unnatural and wrong as gay couples are allowed, then can the same be said for incest in the future? Its basically the same thing isn't it? Love. But for your father, or your brother, sister or mother. On top of loving them as your family, you love them like lovers. Is it right to see your father or your mother as your lover? Can your mother be your wife at the same time and give birth to your children then? It would all be a sick, sick mess!

And thus, the discussion came to no conclusion and both parties left with intact opinions on where they stood. Although I suspected that there must be some frustration because no one succeeded in persuading the other's opinion to sway.

Btw, here's a little news article on incest - Tainted Love. Do give it a read it ur bored.

***EDITED***

And to finish up this post, I kiss girls. And I would like to kiss moooorrreee... and I have a boyfriend. Yea, its likely that I'm bisexual. Do you hate me now? Are u going to tell me to go to hell?

If yes, I'll go to hell and wait for u. ;)

so...

So, there's this new girl at work. Not at all surprising, seeing how my workplace employs far too many people to be able to pay them properly.

But hey, this time, the new girl is a Malaysian. She's in UK with her mom and two younger siblings; planning to settle down here sometime soon. And she's currently trying to complete her GCSE here.

This girl is sweet and innocent. But unbelievably dumb. At first, I was kinda glad that there is a fellow Malaysian working at the same place with me. We can bitch in our bahasa rahsia (nyahahhaha!). So, I asked which part of Malaysia was she from. She told me she was from KL. And I told her I was from Sabah.

...

Yessss... for some unfathomable reason, West Malaysians like to ask stupid ignorant questions when it comes to East Malaysians. She did not fail in that department.

Girl: So, do you know how to speak Malay?

Me: [dumbfounded] Of course! Sabah is part of Malaysia! Everyone speaks Malay.

Girl: But well, I thought, cos ur from Sabah, that u speak differently.

Me: [even more dumbfounded] Oh sayang, we do speak Malay...

How stupid. Then, the next day, I told her I was lived in KL for 2 years and she was genuinely quite surprised. Probably cos she assumed that I've never stepped foot in KL in my entire life. That was the impression that I got.

Me: So, which part of KL do u live in?

Girl: Wangsa Maju. Do u know where is that?

Me: [u gotta be kidding me!] Yea, I know. When I was in KL, I stayed in Subang. And I miss Pyramid so much!

Girl: Ohh! Sunway Pyramid is near Subang as well!

(=.=)

Girl: Sometimes, they hold concerts there, and they have a surf pool, bla bla bla...

Me: I knowww. I've been to a concert there before.

OH MY GAWWWDDDD! Bodoh sial.

just a little rant sesh

My life is so damn sad right now. I don't suppose it can go any lower. But lets not jinx it ok? I hate to imagine what could be worse than now.

The whole world knows that I am currently trying to earn a living in UK. One big fat fail, despite my qualifications. Expected the economy to pick up, but oh shit, oh shit. Its still in the dumps.

Luckily still, I was able to find work in a fastfood establishment. I know I shouldn't complain but, omgwtfbbqorangutan! It is ruining my life! The pay is full blown cow shit, the workload is simply ridiculous and the hours uncertain. And to add insult to injury, their uniforms are ultimate fugli-ness. I feel like an impoverished third-world country child, slaving away in some hidden factory for a mere 5cents a day.

Child labour - its a crime against humanity

Ok, fineeee. I'm no child. But still, the point here is labour exploitation. My employers pay so little, its a struggle just to scrap enough money to pay rent. And they expect you to work like some kuli. What the hell.

I don't give a fart; I'm not going to mop the floors or clean the toilets or what-nots. My mother's daughter is not built for such physical labour! Fart you, employers! With the pay ur giving me, you can wipe your own toilet seats! Hah!

Ok, before they sack me for forever being sick when I have to clean up, lets pray that some legal firm in London offers me a position with them. Fingers crossed!

>.<

@_@

Gaaahhhh!

Changing my blog design is more time-consuming that I thought. I don't really like what it looks like now, so please bear with me for some time while I sort this out.

I can't believe I'm already sick of it.

:(

heads up

Guess what I had for dessert last night?
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A naked chocolate man. Literally.

What were u thinking?

He was yummy. :)

why do men cheat?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

for the ladies

Ok, ladies. Take a good look at this:

What do u see wrong with this picture?
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That's right. Nothing. Nothing is wrong with the picture. I'm sure every single girl in this planet called Earth dreams of this. At least, even if not now, there must be some moments in your life where you wanted this.

Here comes the mother of all questions. Ding Dong! Either ur single and fabulously available or ur in a long distance relationship and ur bf is probably not with you at this very moment or ur on the verge of breaking up or bla bla bla... and you feel lonely. What's a girl to do?

And here is where Wildberry comes in. I've made a list of what-to-do to help ease that lonely feeling, so read on! (I seem to be having some 'Guide To Life' streak lately... =.=)

Tips for the Lonely Girl to Ease Loneliness :D
1) Pig out. I know it doesn't sound good, but trust me, it feels guuuuuuuuddddd. Just go to the kitchen and tuck into that bucket of chocolate ice cream! None? Then order a pizza! Whatever! Stop worrying about the calories, girl! You can always work it off... hopefully.

2) If ur a smoker, then smoke the shit outta urself until u pass out. Ran out of fags? Crash ur frens'! Hey, its just once in a while. And u'll let them crash urs when the need arises, of cos. Make sure u do that. No joke. Don't want ur frens to hate u, u know.

3) If ur an alcoholic, or even if ur not, grab urself a bottle of wine. Or beer. Or vodka. Or whiskey. Well, anything that contains alcohol except nail varnish. Get drunk. Ur throbbing headache will be one heck of a distraction and being drunk enough to simply collapse on ur bed brings the snooze in almost immediately. No sleepless night!

4) Talk to ur girlfriends! They are the ones whom u can trust to be vulnerable once in a while. And they will be bound to try and cheer u up. Most importantly, they know how to listen. U'll feel much better even if they can't offer any advice, plus, it comes with free hugs! How good is that?

5) Catch up with old friends. U'll realise that what the heck, I've missed so much! U'll be so busy catching up with one another, u'll forget why u were lonely in the first place.

6) Go out! Get those sexy things on you, Miss Thing! There's nothing like feeling sexy to pick ur mood up again. Gather some girlfriends and hit the night scene. Just be careful though, cos ur most likely to get urself into some unecessary shit when feeling down. So make sure ur out with a couple of ur trusted frens who know how to take care of u.

7) Get horny! This may be contradictory cos u may be thinking; won't it make me feel lonelier if I were to get horny without my boyfriend around me? Wrong! Watch porn and get kinky with yourself! If u haven't tried masturbating, now is the time to start! Just play with urself until ur exhausted and fall into a satisfied sleep!

8) Hug ur pillow and cry urself to sleep. Not emotionally helpful, but at least u'll be sleeping at the end. Not recommended for suicidals.

Well, ladies... Hope this Guide To Life session has been helpful. Of cos, there are so many more things which u can do to induce a good night's sleep, but these are just some suggestions from my side when u simply can't think of anything to curb that lonely feeling.

I've personally tried some of what I shared with u ladies out there. It doesn't make u feel any less lonely or make that pesky feeling go away, but I can guarantee, at least, u'll get some sleep.

And for now, my best friend tonight is a bottle of Smirnoff. Ciaozzz, darlings!


:)

are u bitchy?

bitch·y
adj. bitch·i·er, bitch·i·est Slang
1. Malicious, spiteful, or overbearing.
2. In a bad mood; irritable or cranky.

I believe there's a bitch in every single girl in the world. Even the nicest, kindest, gentlest laydee in the whole wide world can be the biggest bitch if you push the right buttons. If ur the crazy type, try annoying her when she's pms-ing. A power bitch will be born.

Being bitchy is good sometimes; I believe its a form of self protection and if used wisely, a very effective weapon. That's cos we all know that when it comes to catfights, we girls use our brains instead of bronze. That said, a lady shouldn't be bitchy at all times. You'll just make enemies wherever you go. You may be the Queen Bitch but with hundreds of bitches against you, girl, you won't stand a chance. I'm not referring to myself in any way, in case you were wondering.

Despite that, here a basic lesson in becoming a bitch:

How To Be A Bitch 101
1) Someone you hate/envy asks you for a question - does that bastard make a good shag, is her bf a cheating fuckhead, what to wear, does her bum look fat in those jeans etc. What do u do?
You LIE. (Bitches are one of the best liars in the world so if you're on the receiving end of the bitchiness, tough luck honey)

2) Your bitchy friend shows off her Gucci bag and thinks that your Prada is sooo last season. What do you do?
Secretly make a discreet scratch on her bag and spread the word that her Gucci is fake (*gasp!*) and then point out the scratch to people. "See, told you that its a fake! Omigawd... such a crime to Gucci!"

3) Your boyfriend's mother hates you cos she thinks that ur a slut and a bad influence to her supposedly angelic son. You would really, really like to go to that party his family is throwing cos its a posh event and you can meet many famous people there, but his mom forbade you to go and now your bf is stuck in between. What do you do?

Its time to be a sneaky bitch. In front of your boyfriend, pretend to be as sweet and innocent as possible; act all hurt and teary-eyed because his mom is being a bitch but its alright, you don't want him to get stuck in between and you'd stay out of that event to make his life easier (this will get him mad at his mother). And then, the best bit - secretly dig out the dirt on that woman! Either do it yourself, recruit the help of some friends or hire some private investigator... she's bound to have some skeletons in her closet. Everyone does and since she's been alive for thaaaat long, her skeletons stash must be pretty impressive. Once you have all the goss, arrange a private and confidential meeting with the mother and blackmail. And do remember to give her your signature bitch smile. She earned it.

4) When your friend introduces you to her separate circle of friends (why are they all hot chicks?) and they give you a sympathetic look, you should know that she's been bitching about you; labeling you as her ugly friend who is useful only for homework, u have the ugliest bf ever and he can't even afford a Chanel bag for you etc. What do you do?
Lose weight and go for a makeover. If they're hot and getting all the boys, its for a good reason - they're hot and ur not. Face it, girl. Its time to vamp up! Make yourself hot (take note from fashion mags and all), play the sweet and innocent victim of the bitch's bitchiness, turn her friends against her and steal her bf as well. Then, dump the boy so she can't get back with him again. And finally, laugh as the bitch spirals downwards.


By points 3 and 4, if u've executed it, oh my gawd... u are the ultimate bitch. But be warned, what goes round comes round.

:)

kanasai la!

I realised that all my recent posts have been quite emo; and seeing that I haven't been updating regularly like I used to, it means that I've been emo for quite some time. Damn kanasai lorh!

Cannot, cannot. Let me put funny picture up first.

"Yesh, I would like to make an appointment for a full body wax pleashhhh"

Ok, peeps. Today, lets talk about the sun.

*chirp chirp chirp*

Yesh. I'm dead serious. Lets talk about the sun. Because its finally shining!!! The sun has arrived in UK! Yay! No more feeling cold, bundling up and wearing boots! Wheee! Its a sunny and warm 15 degrees, I literally walked out in a tank top, flats and a light cardi.

Ok, that's it. End of post. I malas.

:)

move into my pants please

Because I just got the awesome-most, fabulus La Senza panties and I want u in there! Come into mah pants!

Let's cut the crap. This post is going to be an emo one even though it started out somewhat wrongly. I am weird, yes. Get over it.

How many of you think that moving in with your bf/gf is such a big deal, that the earth will tremble the moment he/she asks you to stay with them? Tremble in a good way cos you've been waiting to hear the words "Lets move in together, baby. I want to fuck you every night for the rest of your life" or tremble in a bad way because you're thinking "Shit! Now I need to run to the toilet everytime I need fart and that's every 5 minutes..."

But for some, moving in is no big deal. Its merely another step in the relationship.

But I believe, no one can deny that moving in with your partner changes your relationship. Hopefully in a good way by bringing the two of you closer to each other, but sadly I know, that's not always the case.

Let me ask you this; what if your bf/gf asks you to move in with them and then changes his/her mind about it? How would you feel? Disbelief. Pained. Confused. Indifference. Relieved. Happy.

Everyone reacts differently. If you've reacted in a good way, ie. happy and relieved, then maybe (1) you are not ready for moving in yet, or (2) you know what, ur relationship is crumbling and there's no point moving in together.

But if you've felt bad, I'm sure plenty of you would be thinking so much at night, that sleep escapes you. You smile, but that's just another lie. You love, but you begin to question love itself. You see the colors of the flowers, but somehow, they don't seem bright like its supposed to. Worst of all, you blame yourself and it makes you crazy.

Let me ask you then, who are they to tell you that you are not ready to move in with him/her? No one is ready for it until they move in together and work hand in hand to keep the relationship going. Everyone will make mistakes, which is exaclty why need to live and learn from each other. And maybe, you will discover that he/she is not the one, and you can move on with your own lives and not drag time.

That said, you can't simply move in with your partner when he/she specifically said to wait. That's stupid, disrespectful and plain shameless. But of cos, it does make you think - what's wrong? Isn't it natural that you want to be with the person you love the whole time? Does it mean that he/she deosn't want to be with me as much as they can, even though he/she tells me that they love me? What does this mean?

Complicated, isn't it? And the only thing left to do is plan for your life. Think about what you need to do next, cos you cannot keep putting yourself on hold for that in case moment when he/she will confirm that they want to live with you; for in case, the end would be "Sorry baby, but its not going to work out". Then, at least, your life won't be in pieces although your heart is.

But to plan for yourself, you fear losing that special someone as well. Cos although you try to keep him/her in the picture of your future plans, can you be totally sure that he/she won't slowly disappear from the picture? Just like faded paint on a painting.

To be indifferent would be to not care. But that's not possible isn't it, cos the reason why you two were in a relationship in the first place was cos you cared.

In the end, the only thing to do would be to plan for your future and pray that you won't grow cold and be frostbit.

i am

Sometimes I wonder, what does it feel like to go crazy?

When u you sit on the cold hard floor thinking for long, and couldn't come up with an answer to a non-existent question?

When from feeling lost at first, it gradually became one big black hole?

When despite knowing that there are people out there that love and care for you, but it feels as if the walls are speaking a language which you are unable to fathom?

When you see yourself curled up in a dark cave, watching blindly as the storm pours outside and it doesn't to make sense whatsoever?

And then you rush to the mirror; you see a stranger staring back at you, asking you, "Who are you?" to which you answer "I don't know".

You inflict pain on yourself just to feel alive; wake yourself from this heavy curtain - you see the blood drip, drip, drip to the ground... you feel nothing at all. Nothing.

Then you look back up at the mirror; and what greets you is an empty shell.

Is this what it feels like to go crazy?

what's this? an update?!

0_0"

Omigosh! Its an update! Yeshhhhh, it ishhhhh! Proof that I am still alive and didn't drown somewhere. Choi! But yea, you get my point.

I feel this sudden urge to type and post something. My fingers were just itching to type. I don't even know why. Must be my body's way of protesting for abandoning my blog for so f*ing long.

Uh-huh. I just cursed politely (if there's even such a thing). Noticed I put an asterisk (*) in the middle of the word f-u-c-k-i-n-g? Oh no, I typed the whole thing out. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! I'm trying to be a more polite person here, so please gimme some time and bear with me. You know u love me.

Ok, enough bullshit (I was merely putting in a mention of the shit of a bull - don't think wrongly, u dirty, dirty minded peeps). I know its kinda waaaaaaayyyy belated but I'm gonna blog a bit about my birthday!

It was awesomeness! My boyfriend took a week off from work and stayed with me in Reading the entire time! Wheee! And this year, for some reason, I didn't really feel like going all out and getting myself pissed crazy like normal. And no, its not cos I'm getting older. I simply felt so happy and contented to be spending time with my close ones. Yea, simple me.

:)

Pressies time!

My lovely boyfriend got me Dior J'adore!!!!!! *screams!* I love that scent and I was saving up for it but he sneakily bought it right under my nose (I feel so stupid) and gave it to me once the clock struck midnight. Awwwwwww~~~~

J'adore, yo! J'ADORE! J'ADOOOORRREEEE!!!!!

I smell like a million bucks now. I absolutely love and adore him so, so much! *shy* And when I first got it, I was so tempted to spray half the bottle on my bed so I can sleep in sweet-smelling goodness but my boyfriend and Moeko went "Nooooooo!!!"

LOL.

Dear Moeko gave me the Body Shop Vitamin E skin care and a bar of nice smelling Body Shop soap as well... wait a minute. Do I smell? 0_0"

:D

And she made me Japanese curry for dinner, and organised a drinking session in the house for me. She invited some of her close friends and we had such a wacky time and ahem, things went well for her too. Ahem, ahem.

...

Ahem.

Ok, ok. Enough coughing for no reason. Now, on to Warina, Miriam and Master's gifts for me. You won't ever believe that they actually got those for me. I couldn't believe my eyes either! Woah, Kinkina... I'm impressed! Heheheheh!

Its actually much more sexier than it looks... Trust me, you haven't seen the sides yet ;)

Chocolate and Strawberry Body Pen

Woah, woah, woah!!!!! Ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem! Let me assure you, these gifts were put to good use. No questions allowed. Miaowr~

I had a really great birthday and I feel sooo loved! *tears* But of cos, I do miss all my bitches and 38-pohs. It would be FABULOUS to have everyone with me, but well, that's wishful thinking.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! THANK YOUUUUUUU!!!


Appetizer?
Unfortunately, I left my camera charger back home in Malaysia; and now that my battery is dead and my charger is halfway around the world on its way back to me, I couldn't take and upload pics. This explains the internet searched pics you see on this post.

Even more unfortunately, I had a night out with Moeko with the Japanese, Kazakh and Polish societies where I couldn't take pics! So, we had to use one of her fren's cam to camwhore for like, 10 pics (*tulan face*). It was quite unfortunate cos we got VIP tix! Free champagne, strawberries and a waiter to boot. But I'm waiting for the pics to go up on fb, and then, y'all will know the drama of the night. I was seriously so mad, I literally screamed in the club. Sigh. There goes my image.

animal pron

Imagine if u were a walrus. Fat. Ugly. The good news is, all your fellow walruses aren't that attractive either. But what happens when ur considered ugly even for a walrus among ur own kind (if there is such a thing)? U get lonely because no female walruses would want to mate with you.

What then, does an ugly male walrus does when he needs a fix? He sucks his own dick.




That's one desperate walrus. Don't you just love Youtube? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

thoughts at midnight

Fear. It means differently for different people.

Apart from my phobia of cockroaches and lift doors (use that against me and u'll feel the full extent of my wrath), I have a very personal fear. The fear of losing him.

What got me thinking of this fear was hearing how a friend broke up with his girlfriend. I understood why he did it. And to be honest, it really was the lesser of two evils. But I won't say that he handled it well. The girl loved him deeply. But he told her, "I cannot love you."

I know very well how much that hurts. It really, really hurts. To love someone so deeply, and to hear from his/her own mouth that they can never love you; its probably one of the worst emotional pain ever. Personally, I think that he might have broken her unintentionally. His poor ex would have a really tough time recovering.

When I first started my relationship, I had a couple of nightmares. Those nightmares ultimately ended in him leaving me. I'd wake up in a sweat, heart thumping and all that. And it would be difficult for me to fall asleep again. It made me paranoid. I was scared of the situation I was in.

Fresh from being broken; I was struggling to recover and finally made some progress. To be broken immediately for the second time would kill me. I would probably end up in a mental ward or spiral into depression and do something silly.

The funny thing was, I trusted him. I gave him my commitment and truly believed and knew that he was committed to me as well. So why was I having these nightmares? It doesn't make sense. I was thinking, was I so traumatised by my past that it left a mark?

I used to be an independent lover. Guys came and go without much thought. They can cheat on me, be mean; I'll probably get hurt but I would recover in roughly 2-3 days. Love didn't mean much to me.

It took me awhile to realise that these nightmares were the result of my deep rooted fears. What happened in the past taught me that I am capable of so much love, and that deep down inside, I yearned to be loved. To finally have found love; and if it were to be taken away from me, it would be crushing.

I have to admit, the past really did affect me. I've seemed to become a twitchy little rabbit, fearful of every little obstacle a relationship brings; quick to blame myself for every single thing that brings about an argument. I love my boyfriend so much; so, so much, no one can imagine how much I love him. Its scary how much I love him. Which was why, understandably, my biggest fear would be to lose him.

I imagined myself in my friend's ex's shoes. If my beloved were to tell me after a year that he discovered he simply cannot love me...

*chokes*

People always think that I am strong; in life, in love. Now the truth is out. I'm strong but in love, hidden beneath that hard exterior lies a fragile me. The fragile me will always have that fear - that fear which is so devastating to me; to lose him for whatsoever reason - despite what people say, I wonder how long will it take before it finally leaves me, if it even goes away at all.

So what's ur biggest fear?