as it goes...

Everyone is busy these days. With my friends, I've noticed that they've announced a blogging hiatus until the end of July in preparation for CLP. That's the Malaysian Bar exams in case no one knows.

My other ji-muis are busy living their lives too. And I'm pretty sure that everyone is having their own troubles.

So who can I talk to? I used to think I could either talk to the wall or talk to myself. But to actually do that would seem a little mental. So right now, before I actually break down, I think its best that I put it out in words as best as I can. No, I don't need sympathies. I definitely appreciate a shoulder to cry on, but that also, is wishful thinking.

For the past week at least, I've been highly stressed. I've been juggling finding another place to live and looking for a proper job. It sounds easy but u won't believe how much of a headache it can cause. My current tenancy ends at the end of the month. While my fren Honey M has kindly offered to help out (letting me bunk with her until I find my own place, so that gives me more time to look for a decent place), I still feel bad for being a burden. I feel like a leech. But I have to admit that I needed that help. And then the job, I am under enormous pressure to find a proper paying job. Because job = money. And that too, is another factor of my stress. I need to make my remaining money last as long as I can. If not, I will have to return to Malaysia. No offense, but I just don't want to go home as much as I love home and the people there. Don't ask me why; I can't explain it myself.

Then my bf's birthday is coming soon. I have everything planned out perfectly. But then, he got a conditional job offer in London; if he passes, they are going to offer him a contract. And obviously, he would have to move to London early July. I am so happy for him for having things run so smoothly. But if he's London, I won't be able to spend time with him cos he will be bunking with his fren. Then when can I spend his birthday with him? Surely his frens will organise something and want to celebrate with him. And I will be stuck in Reading trying to get my life sorted out.

And today, my bf got upset with me because my cousin's fren W has been constantly calling out. It doesn't help that W is always calling me at ridiculous hours - between 1-3am - and now that he's coming to work in Reading, he's been looking for me more often. As social courtesy to my cousin, I feel obliged to meet up with him. But he's coming to Reading quite often as of late and keeps calling me out. To be honest, I do find it tiresome. And my bf has gotten angry at me for agreeing to have a Starbucks session with W this afternoon. I mean, social courtesy does have its limits. So I cancelled it. But of cos, it doesn't make him less angry at me right?

And I have to try my best and put up a happy facade for the day cos its Honey M's boyfriend's birthday. She organised everything and needs my help. She looks so happy with him that I don't want to be a wet blanket. I feel horrible but I want to at least, look convincingly excited for the birthday party. So again, I have to put a mask over my face.

Everything has added up together. I feel so close to breaking point, I don't know what to do but to act according to what must be done. The whole world has no need to see my dirty laundry. And I don't want anyone's sympathy. I just need things to fall into its rightful place.

It seems as if my life has hit rock bottom. But as the saying goes, once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. For now, I'm holding on to that for dear life. Because that's the only thing I can do. Snapping is just a mere inch away. So let me hold on to something reasonable.