seething inside

I am so f***ing mad that I can't study right now!

I know I should not let it affect me but I am only human.

It started like this. Last week, I got an urgent call from Ms Sarah. She received a mail from Law Asia Malaysia stating that Taylor's will be representing Malaysia to the moot competition in Hong Kong.

Is that bad or good news? I don't really know but I wasn't too enthusiastic about it, and so were The Sluts. Even Ms Angeline did not look too happy and I nearly laughed out loud cos the situation was so funny. Ms Sarah actually looked much, much more enthusiastic than the three of us combined.

But anyhow, we told Ms Sarah (who was relentlessly trying to brainwash us into going to HK) that we'll think about it and give her a definite answer later that evening.

Then, The Sluts and I sat down and talked together and it was mutually agreed that Slut B would be the reserve whilst Slut A and I be the speakers. I'm quite happy with the arrangement cos I made up my mind not to go if I were the reserve cos I see no point.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not happy working with them. In fact, I'm never happy with them and the thought of another week of intensive training with them and the 100% possibility that we'll be rooming together in HK just scares the shit outta me! I mean, I've gotten an overdose of Slut poisoning during the previous moot experience and I'm still recovering from the trauma. And now... I can just drop dead any minute, man.

But the bright side of it is that I'm going to HK and my CV would be so damn gorgeous! So I just have to grit my teeth and plunge into the heee-uuuge puddle of Slut essence.

So, its settled. I'm going to HK.

Then earlier today, we (The Sluts and I) met with Ms Angeline to discuss about the tickets and things that we should so. The tickets were booked already and each of us will have to pay an additional RM400 cos the college so generously subsidised RM500 each. WOW~~~ What sacrifice. I'm so touched.

*extreme eyeball rolling motion*

Then Ms Angeline dropped the bombshell on us. She said that what she "had in mind" was that I be the reserve whereas The Sluts be the speakers. Frankly, I was surprised but I kept my cool and smiled like some bimbo. Its just that I'm quietly cursing like a sailor... @#$%^&$%#

And what made me angry the most was that Slut B was quiet all this while. She did not even mention to Ms Angeline that she wants to be the reserve. Which goes to show that all along she wanted to be a speaker. Then later, she'll probably act all "I'm-doing-this-for-the-sake-of-the-world" and give her trademark orgasmic sigh and go ahead with the arrangement. She should win an Oscar. Bitch.

So after they left, I talked to Ms Angeline privately:

Me : Ms A, would it be ok if there is no reserve for the speakers?

Ms A : Why? You don't wanna go?

Me : Actually, I see no point in going if I am reserve.

Ms A : But it'll be a good exposure for you... U can treat this as a vacation...

Me : I don think so. I really see no point if I am reserve.

Ms A : Ok. I'll talk to Ms Sarah about it.

Me : Ok. I'll also talk to my mom about it.

Ms A : Ok. Let me know asap.

I think it is quite obvious from this conversation that Ms Angeline does not mind that I am not going. In fact, me not going to HK seems like a trivial matter to her.

\

So after that, I went back and ranted to Maria through msn. I appreciate her advice and her honest opinion. She's really sweet to take time off and hear me out.

And when I called my mom to tell her about what happened, I actually cried. I feel really stupid now. How can I so easily allow people to make me cry? Seriously, they are not worth my tears. They aren't even worth a cent! And they can get fucked by dogs with rotten butts for all I care.

So now, I'm feeling much calmer and I actually feel relieved. I dunno why but its as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have made my decision. I will NOT go to HK even if they decide to put me as speaker. Cos there is just no point. The reason they put me as speaker would most probably be so that we can go to HK and participate in the moot for the glory of Taylor's.

And if I go to HK as reserve, I will be going with the full knowledge that they regard me as 2nd rate which would seriously injure my confidence and self esteem. I would also be highly likely to be ostracized again, this time much worse cos they only need me as a standby for just in case. How significant of me~~

My fren in Aus asked me whether I'd regret giving up this chance. But I said no, I will not regret. I believe that this is just the first stepping stone and there are other chances.

To hell with those f***ing bitches! If they are so smart, then they would have no trouble finding a reserve in such short notice. Muahaha!

Anyway, I'm not an irresponsible person. I have sent a msg to Ms Angeline, giving her my final decision not to go and I will personally explain to Ms Sarah the reason I pull out.

This time, I'm gonna tell Ms Sarah everything. Starting from the preparation for the first moot right up to now. She has a right to an explanation and she has to know these things. I'm

ashamed to say that this has affected me a little bit in some way and this came at a really bad time - when I'm about to start my finals in two days.

Fuk them.

They make me sick!